Along this every winding Yellow Brick Road, there have been so many events, emotions and achievements, that have created a lasting impression on my belief in the possibility of freedom from my eating disorder. These are the things that should be held by all of us, no matter what we are going through, because they are proof that things, really can get better.
Recently, is has to be said that I have done something, that I will never forget in my recovery; completing my first ever Cancer Research ‘Race for Life’. Cancer is something we are all affected by. If you aren’t going through the horror yourself, you know someone who is. It has torn away too many lives too soon, which leaves behind devastating loss and sadness. More and more are starting to survive the disease however it has no profound cure. This is where amazing charities such as Cancer Research come in. But in order for their hard work and dedication to finding the cure to continue, there needs to be funding.
Throughout my life, I have been affected by cancer. It had already taken my Nana Lou (My mum’s mother) long before I was born. My Auntie Berna suffered with Breast cancer, and then my dear Auntie Jacqui last year passed away after several battles. I have witnessed the despair as my Mum watched my Grandad go through cancer a couple of years ago. I always felt so helpless, there is nothing I could do. Well, actually there was something I could do, I just wasn’t healthy enough to do it. I could have raised money and awareness by doing something challenging. But my body was drained, physically and mentally. The thought was there, but nothing could allow me to carry anything out.
So as part of my fresh start at recovery, I wanted to incorporate a token of good-will and remembrance into the works. Also as part of the proof of my physical strength getting back to health. In order to remain a positive warrior, I did this in a sensible manner; making sure I was firstly at a healthy weight before beginning my workouts again. Gently I started to run with no intension to be overtly over the top, even though the thoughts were there. Remember you must “always disobey and disagree” with the illness. Afterwards, every time I trained, I replaced what I burnt off, because after all a recovering girl needs her energy and nutrition more than ever.
After a few weeks went by, the time came. At one point I wanted to back out, purely because I was so worried about me failing to make it all the way around. But I took stock after alot of self-pep talk and thought “So what if I don’t make it?, who is going to judge me?” the answer is Ana! She is the one that would judge me, no one else. Everyone would see the motivation for entering in the first place not the fact I was not capable of making it. So on July 8th 7:30pm I put one foot in front of the other and ran at my pace, in my time and for my true reasons. Sure my eating disorder kept creeping in “Oh just over take that women in front. If you don’t you are far too lazy” or “What? you are struggling? What a pathetic slob”. The beauty of being this mentally strong now, is that I am both listening to my illness and react against it, just as my mantra goes.
Crossing that finishing line that said “WE DID IT!” may as well have said “I DID IT!” because I was on top of the world. All of the crowd were clapping and celebrating with me. Greeted by my Mum in tears of happiness and pride that her baby girl has grown stronger was something I will never forget. Even my darling little puppy Bella was over the moon to see me (but then again she always is). Not only did I do this for my Auntie Jacqui and Nana Lou, I partly did this for proof to myself that I can eat more food and be active, against Ana’s belief that as I eat more, I become more lazy and weak. Take something from this; your core beliefs aren’t always as true as you think. Challenge your mind to think differently if your emotions are limiting your progression in life. You may find that, it is all because you were risking your feelings in order to achieve. But like it or not, life is full of risks. Nobody got anywhere without a little risk. Trust me, I am not one to put myself on the line easily, but as I go on in my new found love for life, I find myself choosing to push aside the core beliefs that are imbedded and go for it. So far, all is well and getting better and better. My photography and career is taking off more. Family life is still rocky, but we are going strong, which is the foundation to my motivation to succeed in recovery.
Life can and will get better, so long as YOU act on your ambitions to change your negative behaviour and mindset.
Give it a go, what do you have to loose?