The need to put down my thoughts has grown heavier on my shoulders these past few weeks. Not only do I have ambitions to accomplish this summer, it seems I have some hugely important decisions to make.
Since finishing my first year of university, I had the joyful feeling all the time, that I had actually managed to get through a full educational year, without taking any length of time way from studies for my mental health. All of what had happened in this past year, was reflected in my smile. I had finally made a remarkable step in full recovery, both physically and above all mentally.
Yet all of that has now been put to test as pressure is mounting back up, despite being off term-time. We have been given a summer assignment to continue practice as we were at university and find work, or volunteer work to document for when we return back. Well, first of all, there was no communication regarding this sort of practice continuously throughout the year. Second of all, like most students, I have a part time job, which requires me to work extra hours during holidays. Though with me still suffering with on going clinical depression, I need some head space away from work and anything that is tasking for my mind. If this is what is needed of me, how am I meant to juggle it all?! The question keeps running through my mind “Do you pull out of this course?” and I still have no solid answer…
I am not one to throw in the towel, because life has already taught me enough about giving up before too soon, however this course was nothing at all like I was promised. Many projects have been handled in a totally disorganised fashion, by the longest stand further education course that this college has to offer. There appears to be a lack of communication between lecturers and students as to what exactly is required from us, right up until a few days before, when they finally reveal exactly what is expected. That is a completely unfair way of teaching, and mentally degrading for myself. I wanted to gain more knowledge and experience for my love of creating photographic art, but alls I have gained is ever ending stress and confusion about what to do for the best.
So here I am, sitting down in that daunting black chair, spotlight above me.
Question, after question, after question, yet I actually have no idea what the answers are to all of them. There is no way I will be able to become champion of my own specialist subject.
Or will time show me the way to the answers?…